Questions on Mental Health

Adverse Betrayal from a Lover

August 8, 2022


A guy I met and fell in love with has turned out to be the opposite. His silence tells it all, I knew the guy for a very long time. Since 2016 he have been quiet on me. I thought I had murdered someone but hell no. I thought he was my friend but I was wrong. He walked away never to return to my life. I have always asked myself what I did wrong for him to disappear out of my life. Was it the pregnancy that ended abruptly?

He made me have a “miscarriage” when he gave me something to drink. It all started when I showed him the note from the doctor that said I was pregnant. I was excited, I never thought I would because the very same medical center had me take an ultrasound way back and found I had fibroids and that my Fallopian tubes were blocked that want I would not conceive unless I either remove it or shrink them. I never did any, for many years we continued being intimate. Then one fine day boom, I got pregnant. It was a shock to me because I knew my tubes were blocked. He was not happy about the news, he was a married man. He took me to his doctor friend who was to convince me to abort that the baby would be born abnormal. He said that he would give me a drug that I would slip under my tongue and it would not have any pain, all will be over. I didn’t like the idea. I told the doctor that I wasn’t going to be a murderer.

I occasionally have dreams of the pregnancy and birth, is there something wrong with me? Did his love die suddenly? Thoughts linger my mind on what went wrong? Time and time again, I knock my head, no answer. It’s alright, that’s life for me. I was naive to think he loved me and that it was real? All in all it was fake. Sometimes I ask God why I can’t just be happy for once in my life. Did I deserve this punishment? My joy was robbed from me, by the man I trusted. Only God knows my pain. If only I could turn the clock back, I wouldn’t have fallen in love. Things now are different. Is there forgiveness? The miscarriage, was it intentional? Only God knows. He now has three kids. The third kid came after my miscarriage. I still have grudge against him. I leave it all to God to fight my battles. God and my family have given me the strength to survive. I wish to be happy. Cherry


Hi Cherry, you have summoned your courage to address this very painful and distressing matter. What you have narrated indicates that you were committed to that relationship but he was not. Again, you had invested a lot in this relationship because you have said, “for many years we continued being intimate.” It is evident you are grieving the relationship you had with him. A breakup or rejection from a person you loved leads to feelings of pain and misery which are normally devastating and can last for weeks, months, or even years.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross famed for grief work, carried out extensive studies on how loss is processed and she outlined five phases of grieving experienced when one goes through adverse loss. These stages she called: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is important to identify what you have lost and from your narration it seems you have lost a romantic relationship, a child, hopes and stability which the relationship offered. You seem to be struggling with the denial stage which has to do with refusing to accept the real events because they are painful and overwhelming. You keep wondering whether you were responsible for him leaving you and whether it was the pregnancy which ended abruptly. You are guilty about the loss of the relationship and you are taking too much responsibility for the breakup. You are hurting because you feel abandoned and rejected by a person you entrusted yourself to. You feel deeply betrayed by him and you are still at a loss about reasons which made him do that.

You have been profoundly hurt by various things this man did to you: 1) going quiet on you and leaving you stranded with numerous questions regarding what may have happened 2) he made you abort without your intent. This is a child you were looking forward to having and you had felt was a miracle because of reproductive challenges you had 3) taking you to his doctor friend to convince you to abort because the baby will be born abnormal 4) giving you a drink which eventually aborted the child. We can appreciate this was a big loss for you because you were very excited when you were told you were pregnant. Your pregnancy was a miracle because an ultrasound done on you had indicated your Fallopian tubes were blocked and so you had given up ever having a child.

He comes out as a ruthless selfish individual who wanted to use you and dump you. It is clear his marriage came first and that your relationship with him was one of convenience. He definitely did not want you to have his baby. This is clearly explained by what you have said, that he got his third child after your miscarriage. You seem to have been gullible in this relationship something you have admitted and said you have learnt your lessons moving forward.

Does your experience make you undesirable? NO!! He seems like he was committed to his marriage and did not want to thwart it. He has opened your eyes to realize that true love has to be tested before it is trusted. You certainly deserve to be happy and reaching out is one way of starting to develop a love for yourself. No one should ever make you disown or love yourself less. You should reposition yourself again as a lovable person who is entitled to much more in this life. Face this problem and overcome it by dealing with the emotions involved.

Going through such an experience is devastating and there are indications you are depressed.

This is signaled by the multiple questions you have regarding his sincerity, the hallucinations you have about pregnancy and birth, being unhappy, feeling punished and having excruciating pain. Key symptoms and signs of depression are persistent sadness, anxiety, feelings of emptiness, apathy, hopelessness and helplessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness and self-pity. Hopelessness makes one feel like everything has fallen through the cracks and life will never be the same again. Unaddressed and untreated depression becomes clinical; meaning one becomes grounded and unproductive. You have most of these symptoms and you need to address what you are going through urgently before you get worse.

Finally, you have to make peace with the losses you have gone through radical acceptance. It will be a gradual process which sometimes can be laborious but eventually you will pull through. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. After you have battled with the rejection and losses, you will become more resilient and you will be able to reconstruct your life again.

Have Questions you need perspective?

Write to us to get perspectives from Dr. Catherine Gachutha. Your identity shall remain anonymous